She always always always looks like she is on the verge of tears. She constantly pulls herself in and her walk is of a person who is painfully aware of her own existence. Step wince step hide step whyamihere. She watches the floor when she moves. She has very red cheeks and very pale skin and her hair is the purest white that I have ever seen. Eyebrows, eyelashes, every thing is the definition of white. #FFFFFF.
That's where the problem is. I don't know her. Would she be so naturally emotive if her hair had colour? Maybe she feels alone maybe she feels ugly maybe she feels left out maybe she feels spotlit maybe she feels horrible maybe she feels absolutely fine and I'm reading into her body language too much because she has beautifully white hair and maybe there are hundreds of people who walk around just like her but I never notice. If I spoke to her I'm sure she'd think I was pitying her. Hell. I think that people are pitying me when they speak to me - and I'm pretty normal. I think that people are pitying me when the speak to me - SO I'm pretty normal? I'm convincing myself that she's truly unique when maybe she's just trying to avoid the people in our five hundred person class. I do feel lonely. University so far hasn't exactly been a social buffet that I was hoping for. I'm not exactly the reinvented me that was beginning to show by the closing weeks of Summerstock. I had promised myself that I would be real and friendly and sociable and considerate and sensitive and tough and now I just plug myself into my iPod, not even listening to music all of the time and ignore everyone on my hall. Floor. Class. I'm not socially stunted. I'm sure of that. I can deal with people. In fact, once I'm dealing with someone I'm rarely worse than uneasy (thank you Summerstock). The one thing I'm incapable of is asking for friendship. Looking at the past, almost every friendship that I have formed has been initiated by the other person or formed without thought because I am so afraid of being rejected or having my intentions misread. I love it when friendships form without thought. But that's not true, I'm always the one being approached for the first time with a Hi or the beginning of some conversation of somekind and I always end up wondering to myself WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME? Because I'm sitting right here and we're early for class. Because I'm friends with one of your friends. Because I'm eating a grapefruit. Because we're the two guys in this group who vocalize their opinions. Because we're in scenes together. Because we're in a show together. Because I sort of knew you from something in our past and even though we never spoke, that makes us best friends now, in your books. Because for the next two weeks we are the only people of our age.
Back to the girl. Saying hi to her could be the biggest punch in the face ever. "Hi. You look like you have troubles dealing with life AND you're a freak. Can I feel good about myself?"
I feel like everyone can read my mind all of the time and when I look into someone's eyes they tell me "I know how useless you are."
Unlike normally, I'm not going to X out of this window now because I should actually POST something in this blog one of these days. No one is reading this anyways.
On an up note, the readings I've been assigned for English have all been fantastically enjoyable and yes, I have started speaking to a few people in my French, Philosophy and Drama classes.
I'm terrified doing improv because I hate being in front of people (most of the time) and it's hard to be not-me when I have so much time to think followed by so little time to think. I only went up once in drama today but I think it went alright because I don't remember what happened.
I watched Julie & Julia the other evening and it was enjoyable, if not mindblowing. It mirrors the book I'm reading, Water Music by T.C. Bolye in many ways stylistically that I finding fascinating. A single line stuck out at me from the movie.
"It's the one in your head that matters."
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